What AB means to me..

I’m not good with words, I’m not good at interacting with people. I’m a very awkward person. I was asked to join by a member who left a while ago, Sona. At first she was the only one i interacted with. Now, I’ve even met up with Hope, Yoko, Hanna (i think this is how I write your name, if you read this, I’m sorry I’m not sure) and Erika in Paris, and they’ve been immensely kind to me.

I hadn’t intended on joining any fanbase, i was just trying to help BTS from my own little corner of twitter, but someone from AB must have seen the lyrics posters i made at that time, back in April 2017. I was a complete beginner, struggling to use Canva, but they took me in. At first I didn’t think I’d stay this long, I didn’t think it’d get this serious. I just thought I’d give it a try. I was nervous. I’m now a trainee leader, and AB has been posting things I’ve created. And I feel proud.

It’s been more than a year yet it seems to have gone by so quickly. I remember arguing with Hope about having translators send all their translations to me instead of them having to edit my posters. I had a panic attack because of that, because we didn’t know each other yet and because I’m socially anxious. That was back at the beginning. But since then, Hope has become a person I can be completely honest with. I’ve been able to share many of my thoughts with our leader, and she listened, she encouraged me, and she shared her own thoughts with me. When i was feeling down, when i was having doubts, she gave me encouraging words even if she had never seen my face, even if she didn’t know that much about me, and now one of the things I’d never want to do is disappoint her. Because she believes in me. It has given me a lot of strength, just like BTS has.

I’ve already told her how thankful I am for her words. I created a poster for her on her birthday on which I told her she was the second best leader in the world (the first being Namjoon of course). I made that poster while listening to the Brit Rock Remix of Spring Day on a loop for some reason. It inspired me to create that poster.

We’ve had our arguments, I’ve had my doubts.. there were moments even when i felt like leaving AB. The design chat hasn’t been very chatty. The designers that were with me in 2017 are mostly all gone. Some of them never reply when tagged. Not many are active, and I’ve tried speaking to some, but most never replied. I felt annoyed at the lack of participation. But I stayed, and even now I’m not entirely sure why. I love being alone, I kinda live like a hermit, and I’m bad at working in teams. Yet I didn’t want to leave AB. I felt like it was a good place. People from all over the world joining together despite different time zones, languages or ages to work selflessly. There’s something special about that. What’s more special is when those people are honest and kind, when they aren’t afraid to share their thoughts, when they aren’t afraid to be themselves.

When I was feeling extremely pressured Erika was right there to tell me to breathe and to relax. And that no matter what, everything would be okay, even if I didn’t make some posters in time. Even if I didn’t get things right, both Erika and Hope were patient and kind with me.

Being part of AB, it feels like i am helpful. I can’t really explain it but.. I just started creating more and more posters, but always felt like i was lacking, and felt like i needed to improve. I started learning about Photoshop and how to use it. I can now proudly say I’m really good at it. It had never crossed my mind that one day I’d be a graphic designer. And it all happened thanks to AB, the leaders/admins encouraging me, and the challenges they gave me. They gave me creative freedom, they were honest about my posters, and I’ve learned so much thanks to being part of the fanbase. I’m happy to be a reliable member they can count on.

A lot has happened, both within the fanbase, and within the fandom. But I don’t want to leave, because it feels like it’s where I belong, somehow. It doesn’t feel like a job, or a chore. It feels like a waterfall of ideas flows my mind and i have this determination to keep going for BTS and AB. I have two jobs, and both tire me out, but spending hours editing a picture for a streaming party brings me joy. Having the members tell me the poster looks good makes the hours feel like seconds. I wish I could get payed doing this honestly, because I love it.

BTS, ARMY and AB have come to mean so much to me. I was in a bad place before I found BTS at the end of 2016. I fell in love with ARMY who in the YouTube comments were so dedicated and kept screaming about BTS and ARMY meaning family, about doing everything for those boys. That love, that selfless love, it amazed me. Before BTS, I had become numb to the point where when someone told me they loved me or believed in me, I didn’t feel a thing. I couldn’t believe it, I couldn’t feel it. But those ARMYs screaming about BTS under their new MVs, I felt their love. I created a Twitter account, and then experienced the first BBMAs voting, my first FESTA, the hashtags trending worldwide everywhere, the Wings Tour fan cams, especially the ones where Brazilian ARMYs sang 'WE LOVE YOU' after Namjoon sang 'I wish I could love myself' during Reflection… the Wings Tour Finale, the first times charting on Billboard…

Through the good times and the bad times, there was love everywhere. There was kindness everywhere. And I felt it all. I still feel it now. And I’ll probably feel it forever. There is drama, there are people leaving, there are problems, and all of that hurts, but nothing could ever possibly break this love I have for BTS and ARMY. Nothing could ever erase what I experienced. Nothing could ever come close to everything I’ve witnessed and learned as an ARMY. What I’ve seen ARMYs do. All the good all around the world.

And with AB, I have people who I can trust. I know that I’m part of a team that is as dedicated as I am to BTS. I have people so kind that they insist on meeting me even though I tell them how afraid of it I am. I have people who welcome me just the way I am and I have memories that glow like the Eiffel Tower in the night sky.

I don’t feel like going anywhere.

Triquetra.

(sorry for the long letter)